A dangerous man : the “nice” Narcisse
Today, 2 years after our first meeting, I finally exploded and sent a texto to my boyfriend « Go to Hell !» . And this time I mean it. The story I had told myself as he kept switching from adorable to detestable was : he loves me but he cannot stand love. Dating a man with personality disorders was a challenge I was certain I could face. So much literature and online coaches had described Narcisses : covert, overt, undercover, masked, secretive, stealthy, hidden, vulnerable, grandiose. I did not classify him as a Narcisse, but I would joke : he was a « Nice » Narcisse. A huge need for attention, an uncommon sense of entitlement. Everybody in his family had to help or serve him. Indeed they deserve a paycheck ! One sign should have drawn my attention : he seemed to have no woman friend. No network or tribe except some country music club. Never mind, I liked him !
I took the Eurostar in diverse circumstances to meet him, including at the time of the anti-Covid tests and quarantine madness. Each time we had fun, great sex, great talks and I loved his bad taste jokes. He introduced me to his family, we had cream tea and dinners. As he is fiercely antivax, it is difficult for him to come to France. So he says. After a lovely stay this summer at his place and his offer to move together and share a bigger house, what more could I ask? And no,he was not a Narcisse : he was generous, attentionate, would drive me around to please me. We visited gardens,manors. Our 600 mails, chats, textos were an embroidered reality, a tapisserie de Bayeux leading to the conquest of The English man by a French woman from Normandie.
Mixed signals
My self-confidence had no limit. I was so smart and strong, I would overcome any obstacle described in the rich « relationships » literature. But suddenly I felt something was not right. On a chat, I asked him how we should communicate, if daily intimacy was still relevant with distance. Each time I got reassurance. He even got angry : my anxiety was not justified « Stop fretting ». So why was I paranoid ? I was an expert, I had written on the subject of emotional abuse.
« Mixed signals » was a chapter I did not have yet in my Bible . « Men tend to give you mixed signals when they are either not interested and planning to keep you as backup, are confused about what they want or even playing around. »
I stood firm when he played « hot and cold » and I used this childish strategy with him when necessary. But it was at the early stage of the relationship. Not NOW, where I had left half of my clothes and make-up at his place, when he would send me photos of houses we were going to buy for us? I was ready to share some of the expenses and the domestic routine. Life was going to be splendid.
« What are you up to? » is the question I asked in many elegant forms. I got more « mixed signals » and no clear answer. I feverishly read and re-read this emails and suddenly I found them ambiguous. He sent me this song A good heart is hard to find a country song by Feargal Sharkey and he signed “Heart Heart Heart”. But was is for me or for someone new? I found a double meaning everywhere. I was going crazy. Reading « 3 Ways To Respond To Mixed Signals (Instead Of Going Totally Crazy) by Stacy Becker helped. « Stop agonizing over every possible witty text you can send to generate a response, and checking your phone every other second »
The Monster is back
I know how useless it is to talk to a maybe Narcisse about feelings. But I had to know what was happening. I asked him: «Are you trying to drag me into a slowly fading mode, when your indecision and apprehension are coming back, again and again?»
His family has been very tolerant calling him “a free sprit”. Changing moods, changing his mind, had become his natural behaviour. Reviewing emails, I was shocked to find the amount of suffering each time we planned to meet in real life. He banned me sometimes at the last minute. Due to the Covid-19 restrictions, but mostly due to his tortured mind. All of a sudden he could be horrifyingly wicked. I realized that suffering had been, regular. Every three months the adorable lover becomes a Monster. Every 3 months, he threw at me a bomb of despair, frustration, hatred. He becomes not only indifferent, but can turn cruel overnight, for no apparent reason. Suddenly he hates me. He hates the world and probably he hates himself. The « chaotic » communication comes back, sarcasm on Twitter, playing mind games. I am not impressed but I am so sad. It feels like watching a murder. Or a murderer I should say. He loves to kill our love. He killed my « joie de vivre » so many times. What did I do? Nothing. Not going with his flow is a capital mistake.
Communication
Why suddenly stop our video chats, so we can talk and laugh and I can forget my fears? Since he has offered me a Screen Display device for us to “communicate comfortly”I programed a video chat :
— Last chat, you were very convincing confirming, yes, « I want to develop our relationship ». I believed you.Let’s chat this Sunday?
No answer or rather an irrelevant answer with no substance. « Never explain never complain » is not French. I need to sort out and understand. It was only 5 days ago that he signed Love XX. Again I tried again to clarify :
— Not long ago you wrote « you are always on my mind. » What happened ?Thunder? Meteorite? Starlink? Virgin Mary ? Encounter of the 3rd kind? What are you up to, AGAIN ????!!!!
Then came the obvious conclusion : I had been living a pseudo gaslighting All the time he sent me nice messages, he was probably thinking of a break or an ending, but would « gaslight » me with reassurance, telling me everything was all right. What did he mean? Emails and chats can lead to misunderstandings. We tend to read them with our own filters.
Tell the truth to someone you love
Is the man I love and admire a coward of the worst kind? Hiding under multiple identities, he has lost his true self or did he ever had one? Even worse, was the end programmed from the start and was I over confident ? Was I the only one to be true? If only I could feel him moved . My demand for regular peaceful communication was legitimate. But he kept sending mails at 1 am.
It is not difficult to tell the truth to someone you love : need of space, meeting someone else, or wanting to meet someone else, disagreeing with the “burden” of commitment, exploring new territories, are some of the reasons you need less regular communication. He just had to explain.
One thing is certain, we both ENJOY to be together and that is the only valid truth, the only reality I cling to. So why aren’t we living together? Why this refusal of happiness? « You are coming from a place of love, you care for them, and are looking for that same deep connection from them.A narcissist does not come from the same place. » writes Clara Lane« This is why a narcissist can just walk away, they haven’t got the same deep emotional connection. » The Greatest Power That a Narcissist Has Over You
Too many heartbreaking episodes endanger my physical and mental health. « Stress due to Heart Breaking is serious and endangers health the risk is myocardite.”
« Run far far away from the guy who can’t commit, who vacillates between pushing forward and pulling away. Who want to hold you one day, but ditch you the next. He’ll only leave you disappointed, confused and heartbroken. »
« Go to Hell » is a terrible thing to say to someone you love, but I did it.
