Au revoir, my beloved Narcisse
« Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries know nothing about grapes ». Paracelsus, quoted by Erich Fromm “The art of loving”.
Though it is written at the first person, this article is fiction and designed to help victims of emotional abuse and Narcissistic toxic relationship. Feel free to comment and tell me your own story.
Loving a Narcissist is a challenge
Loving a narcissist is a challenge. I knew all the narcissist traits and characteristics, the abundance of articles constantly inform and alert. So why am in danger to end like all these victims, exhausted, broken, confused, depressed, with all the signs of a PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress)? « Make love, not war », but our love has been a war, I was fighting alone to keep our relationship alive. Oh,I hate his emails where he describes me as a « survivor », a strong woman,supposed to be « fine », « superfine » while torture and torments are my everyday life. I cannot even share that with him, a victory for his ego and no empathy for me if I show a weakness . They say that Narcisse are «often attracted to strong, confident, and self-assured women ». I was this woman before I met him. And now?
No Future
All my life I was in favor of reigniting the spark and there are many ways to do it. Including creative sex. But he was just going the opposite way, determined to extinguishing the flame. The sabotage was deliberate, the threat was commitment. Many times he admitted he missed me, braving his pride. I could measure the waste of time. Why not be together if he missed me so much? To be happy with him is an impossible dream. He will not accept it. I shall be facing a brick wall forever.I started to fall in a deep depression. My love was gone, my future was gone. I decided separation was urgent if I did not want to end feeling suicidal.
Let’s see why I was so blind for so long as all the « signs » were there
Communication chaos
Communication between two lovers — or friends — cannot be a perpetual chaos. It must not create dependency, you should not have to discover an email at 1 pm. It is best to decide how many times you want to to write and talk to each other, and approximately the best hours to do so. Several days without answering emails is not natural. I felt « punished » for no reason by a sudden silent treatment. And worse, I was pushed be a copy cat and inflict him a silent treatment as well.
Communication is emotion
Someone who loves you will feel a spontaneous desire to get in touch, hear your voice, see your smile. No appointment is necessary. Communication is natural, fluid. But communication with my Narcisse seemed to be more a practical approach, he wanted us to try all the apps, it was more the tech he was interested in than content of the message. As for emotion between two people, I do not remember having spontaneous calls from him in three years.
Mixed messages
Blowing hot and cold is a Narcisse trait. Mixed messages going from love to indifference should be a super warning sign. In his case, it meant he was not ready for a committed relationship. He had told me, so but at the same time asked me to live with him. I did not try to change him, I just thought he was wrong and was sure the reality of our happiness would win. We had so many common points, both being rebels. But is loving a woman happiness for him? Fixing his car or spending days on e-bay to find the right coffee machine is happiness.
Is a Narcisse using your social status?
While living together, he was adorable, generous, sex was part of our everyday life, relax, we had fun, we were happy, so what? Now I think that he might have used me for my social status, a “socialite”, a first step in
« making my way through the world », as he had told me. Which I thought extravagant considering his age. « To some people, a partner and a romantic relationship is the next step in a bigger goal. It’s a means to an end. » He did not have the life he deserved and it was was one of the reasons he chose me. Through me he could fancy living the life he wanted, he told me. « It provides him with a sense of being equal or worthy of having a relationship with someone successful, independent, and strong. says Psychology today.
Accepting the unacceptable
We both agreed than our first encounter was a blazing amazing one. We were so happy together. Touching at last was magic. And each time we met, the same happiness. After all these months separated by Covid regulations and quarantines, the joy of being together in No-Covid times should have been a relief. But fixing a calendar to meet was always a problem for him. Being happy was not as important as being free. Free to do what? Eat what you want, when you want. His bachelor routine came first. Love came first for me and intendance should follow. I cannot believe how easily I accepted the unacceptable, almost begging for my next visit.
Unkept promises
Did he really mean it when he asked me to live with him in England? I believed him. I made plans, I loved the British style of life, I loved his little house close to the sea, I loved fish and chips. Having tea with him was paradise. He started to show me plans of houses we could share. We were so happy in this luminous summer visiting our potential homes. Though I could spot the « grandiosity » trait of the Narcisse : he chose expensive enormous houses when my preference went to lovely affordable cottages. What did he expect from me? What was his gain? The idea of sharing a place got lost in translation of his confused emails.
No need to meet in real life?
Meeting in real-life is essential in long-distance relationships. Many binational couples found happiness and married after almost three years of painful separation due to COVID. I have been travelling all my life in many countries so crossing the Chanel and the UK Border was not a problem. I could understand his hesitation to visit France in PCR tests Times but, now? It was a « oneway » arrangement and many friends had tried to alert me. He does not have the curiosity and courage to visit you? Drop him !His sister had warned me : « Even if you are sick he will not bother to come and see you. He has no feelings. He does not care ». Though I told him many times, « I do not want to be your online geisha », he seems happy now with tenderness and friendship. No sex, no sleeping together : of course the relationship is doomed. But not for him! He wants to stay in touch, tells me his about his life, promise he stays faithful. He is « not happy, but OK ». I wasted 4 months of my life ignoring this obvious sign : a man ending his emails by “Love » XXX…” but showing no desire to meet me in real life !
The danger of life-changing promises
Among the non-kept promises, « life-changing » promises are the worst. Marrying, loving and living in another country inflict a special wound when not accomplished. Many people during the COVID restrictions could not cross the border in time to be reunited with the loved one, then lassitude came from one partner, and the love story ended in a very unfair and destructive manner. And with the love story, a whole promised land vanished. With his promise of sharing of a life together, my British lover fooled me. I had my new future designed as an arty move, delicate tea cups service, shepherd’s pies in pubs, new museums to visit, reading about the Royals, attending eccentric political events in such as The Sunday Papers Live, and so many other joys.
My loss is a not only my friend, my lover, my buddy, but a whole appartenance to a new world I was ready to adopt. This British life style was perfect for me, I had the intuition that my future was there, sharing my time between a country cottage and trips to London. My British friend envisioned my return to France as « back to normal life », it seems inferno to me. « Normal life » is now somewhere in the English country side. I cannot see any reason to stay here in France, where a gloomy NO FUTURE is written on the grey Spring sky. Unless a British gentleman-farmer…
Janique Laudouar
